captainstark (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
captainstark) wrote2012-05-16 04:13 pm
captainstark) wrote2012-05-16 04:13 pm
Don't damn me when I speak a piece of my mind.
Some thoughts and feelings I needed to get down somewhere. Possible trigger.
I think I need to speak to my doctor about the fact I don’t really eat anymore. It wasn’t a conscious decision, but some of the medication I was on made me nauseous all the time and the only thing I could bare was scrambled egg, and I’ve hardly really touched that. Plus, all of the scrambled egg? Not good.
I’ve lost so much weight in the last few months, and as much as I love that, as much as I have wanted that, I’ve been down this road twice before and I know how it ends. I know I’m fat and ugly, and I have the worst body image. But after last time I got to a place where I stopped caring because if I didn’t I obsessively made weight charts and wrote down what I ate and didn’t eat, and I worked out calories and how much I’d taken in and how much I had to get out, and how much exercise I had to do to burn off what I knew was in there and wouldn’t come out. I hated it. I can’t do that again. I promised myself that if I ever started it up again, no matter how desperate I was to lose weight, I’d seek help with it. I’m not letting the medication do this to me as well as everything else they’ve screwed up for me lately. Being hungry triggers more migraines as well, it means my insomnia is that much worse, the dead side is more pained and useless, and it’s not a situation I can enter. I know what I’m doing at this point, it’s not out of hand, so I need to get it sorted before I turn to it because everything else is so shit right now and I don’t trust myself not to. I’ve already started cutting again, just, every now and then, on occasion, when it’s too much, and that needs to stop. So many times I’ve wanted it to go deeper and put an end to it, and when it reaches that point it needs to stop. It’s not a coping mechanism when I abuse it beyond the basic relief that no longer comes, it’s me trying so hard not to slip, and I can’t.
I have lung damage from abusing pain killers both to OD and to deal with the pain, I’ve damaged my stomach and throat from how I used to not eat and throw up, and no. I hated that life. It was full of secrets. Sometimes I genuinely do forget to eat, constant migraines give me bad memory and concentration problems, and that’s before the anxiety and depression comes into it, so I do forget sometimes, and I can’t feel the right side of my body so sometimes it’s not always easy to tell if I’m hungry amongst other things. But I know I’ve been using these as excuses and making them believable, and I hated that part of it. The quick thinking bullshit I used to throw at people to cover up what I was doing. I feel like crap all the time as it is, and exhaustion doesn’t look good on me. The days of fainting and being taken to hospital to have a drip in my arm to rehydrate me is just. No. I don’t want it. And I have enough scars on my body to last me a lifetime. I want a life, now, I won’t deny my issues or pretend they never happened, they’re there and they’ll always be there, and every day I wake up I’ll be fighting those demons to make it through. But I won’t enable myself to drown in them, to fall victim to them like before, because I’ve worked too hard to shake that off, progressed to this point. I need help with my anxiety and moods, and I’m on a waiting list for that, but this needs looking at now before I’m left to think too much because the only way not to think about all the crap stuff is to focus on numbers and facts and obsess over this thing and I don’t want it. I don’t want to lose everything to an obsession for the sake of making it through because in the end it wouldn’t get me anywhere.
I think everything that’s happened these last few months, and especially the last few days, have put a lot of things into perspective, and I need to get my shit together now and get on with my life. And anyone who feels the need to try and hold me back from that or break me down, well, they can fuck off. Because I need to focus on myself and stop dealing with it by dealing with everyone else’s problems. I need to be happy, and if it’s not done now, if I don’t work on everything now, then it’s never going to change. I’m the only one who can change it and I need the control to do it, so I’m putting aside my inferior complex and I’m taking charge of my life, and I’m dealing with what I can, when I can, and what I can’t cope with will either have to wait until I can or be something to consider discarding. I can’t afford anything to tear anything else down, and I’m tired of letting it.
I think I need to speak to my doctor about the fact I don’t really eat anymore. It wasn’t a conscious decision, but some of the medication I was on made me nauseous all the time and the only thing I could bare was scrambled egg, and I’ve hardly really touched that. Plus, all of the scrambled egg? Not good.
I’ve lost so much weight in the last few months, and as much as I love that, as much as I have wanted that, I’ve been down this road twice before and I know how it ends. I know I’m fat and ugly, and I have the worst body image. But after last time I got to a place where I stopped caring because if I didn’t I obsessively made weight charts and wrote down what I ate and didn’t eat, and I worked out calories and how much I’d taken in and how much I had to get out, and how much exercise I had to do to burn off what I knew was in there and wouldn’t come out. I hated it. I can’t do that again. I promised myself that if I ever started it up again, no matter how desperate I was to lose weight, I’d seek help with it. I’m not letting the medication do this to me as well as everything else they’ve screwed up for me lately. Being hungry triggers more migraines as well, it means my insomnia is that much worse, the dead side is more pained and useless, and it’s not a situation I can enter. I know what I’m doing at this point, it’s not out of hand, so I need to get it sorted before I turn to it because everything else is so shit right now and I don’t trust myself not to. I’ve already started cutting again, just, every now and then, on occasion, when it’s too much, and that needs to stop. So many times I’ve wanted it to go deeper and put an end to it, and when it reaches that point it needs to stop. It’s not a coping mechanism when I abuse it beyond the basic relief that no longer comes, it’s me trying so hard not to slip, and I can’t.
I have lung damage from abusing pain killers both to OD and to deal with the pain, I’ve damaged my stomach and throat from how I used to not eat and throw up, and no. I hated that life. It was full of secrets. Sometimes I genuinely do forget to eat, constant migraines give me bad memory and concentration problems, and that’s before the anxiety and depression comes into it, so I do forget sometimes, and I can’t feel the right side of my body so sometimes it’s not always easy to tell if I’m hungry amongst other things. But I know I’ve been using these as excuses and making them believable, and I hated that part of it. The quick thinking bullshit I used to throw at people to cover up what I was doing. I feel like crap all the time as it is, and exhaustion doesn’t look good on me. The days of fainting and being taken to hospital to have a drip in my arm to rehydrate me is just. No. I don’t want it. And I have enough scars on my body to last me a lifetime. I want a life, now, I won’t deny my issues or pretend they never happened, they’re there and they’ll always be there, and every day I wake up I’ll be fighting those demons to make it through. But I won’t enable myself to drown in them, to fall victim to them like before, because I’ve worked too hard to shake that off, progressed to this point. I need help with my anxiety and moods, and I’m on a waiting list for that, but this needs looking at now before I’m left to think too much because the only way not to think about all the crap stuff is to focus on numbers and facts and obsess over this thing and I don’t want it. I don’t want to lose everything to an obsession for the sake of making it through because in the end it wouldn’t get me anywhere.
I think everything that’s happened these last few months, and especially the last few days, have put a lot of things into perspective, and I need to get my shit together now and get on with my life. And anyone who feels the need to try and hold me back from that or break me down, well, they can fuck off. Because I need to focus on myself and stop dealing with it by dealing with everyone else’s problems. I need to be happy, and if it’s not done now, if I don’t work on everything now, then it’s never going to change. I’m the only one who can change it and I need the control to do it, so I’m putting aside my inferior complex and I’m taking charge of my life, and I’m dealing with what I can, when I can, and what I can’t cope with will either have to wait until I can or be something to consider discarding. I can’t afford anything to tear anything else down, and I’m tired of letting it.